This is one of the most personal emails I've ever sent. You see, two weeks ago, while vacationing in Panama, I had an incredible AHA moment It was a POWERFUL moment for me but I knew that after this AHA moment, I had to share it with you, no matter how personal.
So here goes…
On the third day of my trip, I elected to go snorkeling in a more remote part of Panama called Portobello. Portobello was one of the first places that Spanish explorers landed when they discovered Panama, and WHOA--I can just imagine how bowled over the Spanish conquistadors must have been when they saw the breathtaking beauty of these beautiful mist-covered mountains that seem to be floating in the middle of the ocean.
On the day of the snorkeling trip, I woke up excited. I could feel that my heart was pulled to having this experience. When we arrived at the snorkeling place, in addition to our snorkeling masks and flippers, we were told we would need to wear wetsuits.
When I heard the word "wetsuit", I panicked. Wetsuits are TIGHT. My mind began to race, thinking about how this one garment would show off every single line of my body, and every single "defect". To top it off, I would have to wear this wetsuit in front of everyone on the snorkeling trip (granted it wasn't a lot of people, but all of a sudden it felt like I had to stand naked in front of Madison Square Garden).
All of the negative scripts began to rush back into my head. The last time I had worn anything this revealing was a bikini on my 13th birthday. Shortly after that birthday, I saw a video of myself in that bikini and I vowed to never, ever wear a bathing suit in public again because I thought I looked "fat" in it. From that moment on, I can remember the desire to hide my body increased two-fold. I stopped wearing swimsuits all together, and began to go to the beach in shorts and t-shirts. Even that became "too revealing" after a while. i didn't like the way the wet clothes would stick to my body after I got out of the ocean, showing off my every line, my every curve. What if people could see that, in that soaked t-shirt, there were no six pack abs, but rather a soft and feminine stomach?
This turned into "saying no" to a lot of things and by the time I was in graduate school I had missed out on so much fun. In college I actually turned down a chance to study abroad in England because I was worried about not being able to control my food and my weight while traveling. Later on I was cast in an incredible play in a role that everyone had fought for. It was the kind of script actors would kill to speak out loud, the language was so beautiful and had such potential to transform an audience. But the role I was cast in was a woman who really reveled in pleasure, was sensual with her body and wore tight clothes. I spent the entire rehearsal process stressing out that I would have to show my stomach, and gave a lukewarm performance because I couldn't stop thinking that the entire audience was looking at my body, horrified at how "overweight" I was. In graduate school, after an amazing weekend retreat, of yoga, meditation and soul-centered movement, i watched as all my classmates joyfully jumped into a gleaming lake in their underwear. I WATCHED because I was the only one who didn't jump in.
These are just a few of many, many incidents in which I missed an opportunity to follow my hearts desires because of how I felt about my body. Without fail, the thought would always come in--"Everyone else can do that, but you're different. You can't do that. You're fat".
But here's where it gets interesting... I recently saw that video of me in the bikini at 13 and I was shocked to see how THIN I was. The image I had in my head of what I looked like was completely distorted. Pictures during my college years reveal that I was also not overweight in college during the opportunity to go abroad or when I was cast in that play. And even more pictures from grad school reveal that I looked beautiful and had no reason to forego jumping in that lake with the rest of my classmates.
All of this flooded into my head as I was standing there with that dreaded wetsuit in my hands. I looked around at the astounding beauty all around me, the mountains, the crystal clear ocean waters, the brightly colored coral reefs and I realized that I was having the same exact thoughts that I'd been having all those years where I held myself back from doing the things my heart truly desired. That I might actually hold myself back from having an incredible, one of a kind experience, all because of a stupid wetsuit. And that 5 years from now, I might look back at that moment and realize "hey, I looked good! Why did I think I looked bad?".
So I put that damn wetsuit on, jumped into the boat and went snorkeling.
I have to admit....At first I was still a little bit self conscious. I had to wear my cover-up over my wetsuit for the first 10 minutes of the trip. But once I jumped into the water, everything changed. Swimming through that water, you see an immense variety of plant and animal life in the coral reef, all coexisting in perfect harmony. The stunning shapes and colors that look as if they've been PAINTED on. How incredible that just in this one little microcosm of ocean there was so much variety, so many different shapes and sizes and ALL so stunningly gorgeous.
After an hour of snorkeling I felt weightless and free. When the current moved me, I did what the fish did, I went with it. I noticed that the more I fought the current, the less control I had and the more unpleasant my experience was. When you're in the ocean like that, you actually forget that you are in a body. You don't just feel like you're IN the ocean, but you ARE the ocean-- vast, fluid and full of stunningly gorgeous contradictions.
And I realized--when we fight against the current of these beautiful contradictions, we suffer.
So, off came the cover-up.
The truth is, my body is the way my body is. That's just reality. It may not be exactly where I want it to be. (And that little voice that tells me I'm not perfect enough won't ever be satisfied no matter how fit or thin I get, let's face it, so it's time to try new ways of dealing with that voice). But maybe the way our bodies are right now, in this moment---maybe that's part of the current of life. Fighting against the current when you're snorkeling just kicks up a lot of dust and prevents you from seeing all the beautiful colors of the reef. But if you go with the current and see where it leads you, you'll discover parts of the reef that you never knew existed and are even more beautiful than the ones you knew before. It's the same thing with your body. Maybe your arms aren't buff enough yet, or your stomach not a perfect six pack. Maybe you need to lose 40 pounds...
So what?
What would happen if you let the current of your life guide you, truly guide you, without fighting it?
What if weight loss could be achieved without a battle?
What if you could love your body at every one of its glorious sizes? (FYI: before you panic, know that loving your body at its current size doesn't mean you are going to stay at that size forever if you don't desire to).
What if being a different size than you planned to be could be turned into a marvelous, unexplored detour that leads you to a stunning vista.
And what if stopping at that vista FIRST and allowing yourself to enjoy it reveals to you a hidden shortcut to all your deepest dreams and desires.
Would you fight the detour if you knew it WAS the path to all that your heart calls out for?
Getting a better relationship with food and LOVING your body to its natural weight, is all about this. It's about allowing your body to feel the sensuality, pleasure and fluidity that makes up your feminine, goddess-self RIGHT NOW. Not five pounds from now, not even 30 lbs from now. The goddess is always there, regardless of size. In fact, my greatest hunch is that the ONLY way to get the body you love (and everything else in life that you desire, for that matter) is to appreciate and be fully present in the body you're in right now.
Yeah, I know it's easier said than done. I mean, hey--I've been working on this stuff for years and I still had a moment with a wetsuit. ;-) But that's okay, we're human. Just continue to honor the goddess in you just as she is right now, nourish her and be gentle. In fact, next time, try taking Her along as your companion on your journey, so that She can help balance out that masculine, punishing voice that constantly tells you that where you are is "not good enough". What would happen if you gave that a try?
As for me, I brought Her along with me on the rest of the trip. And because of this, I ended up having one of the most memorable trips ever. it's really freeing when you don't let all of those negative thoughts about your body get in the way of following your hearts desires.
That's all for now. I hope that sharing my story with you today will help you bring Her along with you throughout the rest of your day. When She's in charge, amazing things happen ;-)
xo,
Lisa
PS:
If you liked what we talked about in this newsletter today, I have a treat for you coming up--in the next few weeks I'll be teaching a FREE class to help you go further with these principles. Stay tuned for that one and make sure you jump on it fast when it gets to your inbox. I'm limiting attendance for this very special class…
Shh… more about that next week. ;-)
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